i like being a girl.

So, for those who have recently asked, here's Andrew's link http://www.oudevoida.blogspot.com/

Aren't toenails fantastic? Isn't wearing heels great? I'm so glad I've got nice, soft girly parts. I'm sitting and reading a novel, utterly comfortable alone with my sweet, very sexy self. I might not be interesting, but I sure am happy. Happy Oscar Night, everybody!

crush addition

Oh, I forgot another excellent crush incidence, which relates, vaguely, to the post on weed.

Before I knew Andrew very well I got drunk at a work meeting at Kennedy School where he was sitting beside me, laughing his fantastic, much missed laugh. I had ordered a burger, and Andrew is a vegetarian. I believe I was being fairly obnoxious at this meeting, but it was sorta a going away party for me, so I didn't care. Anyway, unlike me, I had left some 1/3 of my burger in the basket, and ever so casually, Andrew scarfed it up, if memory serves in one enormous bite. There have been few moments in the history of history when scrappy, 5 foot 6, vegetarian types have been more adorable. Maybe only when they are offering me cocktails and talking about baseball...

Crushed

I'm a romantic, and I have no trouble admiting it most of the time (see So, I like Hearts). The other night I made one of those frequent Molly comments, blatantly ripped of from Brandon years ago, that I like my beer "bitter like my heart," (works great for coffee, too. And then you get to say "bitter and black like my heart."). But, of course, I'm not really bitter- most of the time I live in hope, mostly just because that's what comes functionally to me. Those who know me well know I've got dark corners, but for the most part sunshine is the best disinfectant. And you don't have to know me very well to know I crush like crazy.

Now, with that said, I like crushes a lot better than relationships, at least at the moment. I like having a good, long standing appreciation of some fantastic person or another. Forays into taking these crushes from a purely puppy phase into something more mature have met with mixed results. However, especially recently, I have begun to enjoy crushes that extend as mostly that- a gentler infatuation tinged with a yummy amount of desire, details, and teasing.

I have had a crush on a friend in L.A. for umpteen years. He's great looking and dresses well and is successful and has fantastic taste in music and in women, especially his most current friend. He has that all important accessory- glasses! He also has one of the best crush devices- a fantastically challenging library. It's the kind of library I look at sideways because it takes up a whole wall and therefore could take up a whole evening. There are books on economics and feminism as well as books I've never heard of and books in other languages. But here's where it goes from admiration to crush- left alone for most of an evening, after falling asleep 2 nights in a row looking at spines aligned, I finally breached the shelves. Thumbing past Infinite Jest and Dangerous Angels (yeah, he has my favorite book from childhood...) I found a complete page a day calendar of George Carlin quotes. And I tucked my feet under my ass and read on the wood floor voraciously through the month of April before he unexpectedly came home.

I kinda hid that I, left to my own devices, had picked this out of everything. We played dominoes and he let me steal his french fries. We drank whiskey. And then, wonderfully then, he brought out the calendar and began to read to me. He has a lovely voice, and wonderful reading style. And best of all, a molasses laugh that has a base you can feel more than hear across the room. This, to me, is the pinnacle of a perfect romance. These sorts of shared moments, more candid than intimate, that do not leave me wanting more, but only wanting that.

More recently there is a crush here, one that sometimes plays ping pong with me, and has recently begun to open up about things closer to his heart. But, really, the ping pong is enough. The slow, delicious learning about another heavenly body in orbit 10 feet away is plenty. It's still, for me, exciting to get an email, or to look at eyes and posture, to watch in action. And, what is best about crushes, at least for me, is I know who is feeling this pleasure. He seems to be great, but I am experiencing my sensational range of emotions, independent of anything he can do. I would hate to ruin that by forcing him to be too aware of my dark corners, or by getting to know him well enough that I knew he had faults besides not liking me as much as I would like him to. I don't need warts right now, and I certainly don't desire exclusivity or even further intimacies. All I need is the wondrous fantasy of proximity and the occasional trouncing using paddles. I'm as happy as a clam with potential adventure- actual adventures will be appreciated in time, I'm sure. Hopefully ones including the kind of paddles you dip in water.

There was to be more, but heaven's, this has gotten long enough. Must away to make things with stuff!

The Weed Thing

Recently it has reared it's ugly head again.
So, I can't smoke. It's not that I wouldn't, it's not that I care if other people do- I just can't. In the past I haven't even been comfortable around it- the smell makes me nauseous, I've been known to break out in hives after making out with people who use it, buying rope can make my palms get itchy. I was recently given a hemp lip balm for Christmas that cracked my lips open severely. At different times it has effected me differently, sometimes less so than others. But, better safe than sorry, I just avoid it. And apparently that makes me a semi-social pariah, and less attractive.
Now, I do tend not to date vegans. I also have had negative experiences with tee-totalers. And religious nuts tend only to be interesting until you realize that they are just nuts. But these are people making a choice, or engaging in a belief system. I'm not doing either. I feel like I'm in the same boat with people who are allergic to peanuts or soy or milk, but somehow it's different. Luckily, there's no anaphalaxis so far. Instead there's this bizarre rejection.
Like all discord, I really want to understand this better, so I've been talking to people about it. One response implied that I was perceived (presumably because I can't smoke) as judgemental. Which actually is funny, cause I tend to love people who love weed. I don't tend to actually vocally encourage their using it, but then I don't tend to tell people to go out and have a cigarette or take their meds either. In other words, I don't tend to encourage people to get buzzed, but I also don't discourage it. I don't know what else, socially, is acceptable. Miss Manners is a little mum on the subject. But if anyone has suggestions, they should put them in the comment box.
Until then I guess I'll just keep dodging out of the room, and hope people can forgive me.

IWSHIWR

Oh my goodness!



So, yesterday I look up from where I was lying on the floor to see a cute, skinny kid with adorable Buddy Holly type glasses haunting the gallery door. He had been lured by the "ping pong" sign. He seemed surprised that there was actually a ping pong table in the gallery, and agreed to a game (all I did yesterday was play ping pong), but first he had to go turn his lights off ON THE WIENERMOBILE! Ok, how cool is that? And for real, there on the 101, in front of the antique's store, was the glorious car itself!

So, Joey and I played some no-score ping pong and shot the shit on all sorts of great stuff. Most notably goofy museums and colleges we'd attended and speculating on the adds that appear adjacent on gmail...& that he used to work at space camp! (and got to wear a fly suit... that sure beats the hell out of any outfit I've gotten to wear to work). We talked about how positive the people in Eugene were about the car (apparently you can be a vegan and still love the wienermobile. Who knew?).

Anyway, the whole thing was just damn cool. I beginning to really love living in Wheeler. At least there are goofy people to play ping pong with. & I have the whistle to prove it!

(second guy from the right... too bad he's not wearing his glasses...)

http://hotdoggerblog.com/hotdoggers/

happy valentine's day!

This is the wall art in the nice, high ceilinged downstairs of my new friends Kim and Brian's house. It's so true! Saloons do need Boys!

Ended up participating in the greatest dance party ever last night. One thing that is truly cool about living on the coast is the range in ages that participate in such things. Of course there was Howard Harris, who must be in his 90's, but there were plenty of other folks over 50 or 60 as well. Some quite happily wearing thong leotards and shakin' it for the whole world to see! I'm not so sure that the self serve wine was truly necessary, but a great time seemed to be had by all.

Relaxing today after such an active weekend.

dressed as the lone ranger...

Ok, so apologies in advance for the variety of misspellings that are due to occur from a costume party in february. Once again composing on the phone from a drinking venue, this time in manzanita. I just scared the living daylights out of a tourist who attended my opening last night- I guess its good to know not everyone recognizes me as a cowgirl.I can still suprise people who don't know me well. But then I guess this is my second night in costume ins way. Last night was so full of love & chatter- today, in contrast, I haven't said a word a word since the last waffle scarring guest left my place. Flying solo now no one except howard acknowleges me with more than a smile. I like these contrasts....

they're everywhere!

they even are manifest as carpet lint!

So, I guess I like hearts.

I'm getting ready for my GRAND opening here in Wheeler, and decided I needed garland. Actually, I should capitalize that, too. NEEDED. Specifically, I needed tar paper heart garland, and something to do with all this left over wax paper, and these cellophane sleeves that the poinsettias I NEEDED a few months ago, and have since died, came in. And so I was cutting out hearts when a new friend decided to swing by the gallery and help me out with a bottle of wine.
The gallery at the moment has definite motifs going on. One is assuredly hearts. There's the resurrected heart wall, the drawings of the resurrection, and a piece involving a heart to advertise the flirtation devices. But when the friend asked me if I liked hearts I responded "I like holidays." What I meant by that, I went on to explain, is that I have a desire to decorate. I separate that from my desire to create things I would classify as "art." Making garland is not art- there is no risk involved. Even the drawings of hearts, to a certain extent, are not exactly artistic to me because they are more like exercises. Practice for some real creation I cna't currently envision.
To use sports as an example- not every run is a race. Most runs are not races. No one would expect an athlete to only run races. Or would they? I'm not sure.
This is something else that has been happening to me. I want to make assertions of what I'm thinking, but what I think may not actually be what I believe. I don't know if I've ever tried to work around that idea before. I think it comes from spending way too much time alone cutting out tar paper hearts and listening to TED lectures.
Anyway, the evening went on, including the midnight eating of day old waffles and the drinking of all of my beer, and me trouncing my new friend at cribbage, at some point I stretched and my belt was revealed. With my belt buckle. Which has a red heart with wings on it. "Ah, so you do like hearts?"
How to dodge it this time? Why was I afraid to say "Yes. This is my symbol. This is a thing I collect, that I look for in puddles and clouds, that I default to for lack of a better object. This is my cultural comforter, the thing I can almost always find and understand. I am a true, passionate lover of my friends and of the earth, and I clasp this thing around my waist almost everyday to prove it."
Yeah- chickened out. I don't even remember what I said in response.

addendum- I later asked this guy what his faults were- he said that he was too vehement. BRING IT!